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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30093168">missing you comes in waves, and tonight I'm drowning</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceflower/pseuds/spaceflower'>spaceflower</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Death, I miss Mike Dodds, M/M, Mike Dodds Dies, Mike Dodds death anniversary, Nick Amaro misses Mike Dodds, Remembering Mike Dodds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:54:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30093168</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceflower/pseuds/spaceflower</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the one-year anniversary of Mike Dodds death, Nick is reminiscing. </p><p> </p><p>The title is from the song 'Drowning' by Chris Young</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nick Amaro/Mike Dodds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>missing you comes in waves, and tonight I'm drowning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been a year since Mike Dodds death. A year without his best friend. A year without his partner. It wasn’t fair, Mike was one of the good ones, it was his last day at SVU. Nick tried to get him to not go, but Mike wouldn’t listen. Of course, he wouldn't. He loved his job. A job that killed him. Nick knew that with this job you could die at any point, but he never imagined it would be at the hands of a corrections officer, not by one of them. Not like that. They got him to the hospital in time, and he was stable. They thought they were in the clear, but that changed, blood clots started to form in his brain, his speech started to slur and he wasn’t making sense. He sustained a brain hemorrhage, one he wouldn’t recover from. Nick got to say goodbye and held his hand as they took him off life support. That day he lost everything. That's the day he quit SVU and retired. He couldn’t bring himself to walk into the precinct every day and not see Dodds. He couldn’t handle looking at Dodds desk and knew he would never use it again. </p><p>He became a personal trainer after he left, it was the one thing that could make him feel close to Mike. It’s one of the things they always did together, they were workout partners. They pushed one another to be better. That's where Nick first asked Mike out, it became their thing, their spot. He dedicated his gym to Dodds. There is a huge portrait of him in his office. </p><p>This week has been hard on Nick, but today was the worst. He closed his gym and stayed home all day, only leaving to visit Mike’s grave. He goes there anytime he’s missing him, and lately, he’s been there every day this week. Before he left his apartment, the one he shared with Mike and still has all of Mike’s stuff in it, he grabbed a box of pictures he kept in his closet. He stopped at the bodega near his place and got a dozen roses. Mike would never tell anyone, but he loved roses. Nick would get them for anniversaries, birthdays, or for no reason at all. He loved how happy they made Mike. Happy Mike was the best Mike. </p><p>He made his way through the graveyard, knowing how to get to Mike's grave like it was the back of his hand. Nick remembers the day they buried him clear as day. It’s a day he could never forget. He sat near Mike’s father, William Dodds, and his brother, Matthew Dodds. He was the one who received the folded flag, William Dodds made sure of that. He keeps it in his bedroom, on top of his dresser, next to a picture of Mike in his uniform. </p><p>He found Mike's grave and cleared it of weeds and leaves, removing the dead flowers and replaced them with the new ones. He sat down facing the tombstone, not saying anything for the first ten minutes he was there. He wanted time to reflect, to connect with Mike. Anytime he's there, he feels like he can feel Mike next to him like he never left. </p><p> </p><p>“Hi Mike,” He could feel his presence, “I miss you. It’s been a year without you now. It’s been a long year. I still pay for your phone, just so I can call it and hear your voice again. I don’t want to forget it. It’s been hard, not having you here anymore. Sometimes I think this is just one long nightmare that I will wake up from and you’ll still be here,” Nick paused, taking a deep breath before he continued. </p><p>“Some days it becomes too much, those days I wish I could forget. I think I've gone through the five stages of grief multiple times, always skipping the acceptance stage. It’s hard to accept that you’re gone, even a year later. God, I miss you, Mikey. Why did you have to go? Why couldn’t you have just stayed?” Nick could feel the tears coming, “You know, I blamed Olivia for the longest time. I know it wasn’t her fault, but it felt like it at the time. I don’t anymore, I know it’s Munson’s fault. I went to his trial. It took all my strength to not beat him to death right there and then. But he’s going away for a long time, we made sure of that.”</p><p>Nick fell silent for a bit, letting the tears fall freely. He opened the box and grabbed a handful of pictures. Some of them were just of Mike, most were of the squad and just the two of them. They always made sure to capture life moments, never knowing when it could all end. Nick was glad they did. “I look at these pictures all the time, just to remember the good times we had. My favorites are the ones you let your guard down, being away from work. You showed your true self in these pictures, the faces you made, I’ll never forget them. We’re so different, I was surprised you said yes when I asked you out. I was so nervous, afraid you would reject me. But you said yes and everything changed that day.” </p><p>He started flipping through the pictures, smiling at the memories. He was one where they were on their fourth date, it was to a Yankees game, they went into extra innings tied at 1-1. Mike was so invested in the game, Nick took a picture right as the Yankees hit a walk-off home run and the smile on his face was full, radiating pure happiness. It was one of his favorites. “Do you remember this day? It was the bottom of the 12th inning, two outs, the count was 3-2. I loved how focused you were on the game, I tried to take a picture but then they hit a walk-off home run and you were so happy,” He turned the picture to face the tombstone like Mike could see it. </p><p>“That's the day I knew I was in love with you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” <i>Now I can’t.</i></p><p>Nick kept looking at the pictures, another one of his favorites came up. It was the Christmas party with the squad. Nick wasn’t sure who took it, but it was of him and Mike. Mike had his arm around Nick’s shoulder, looking at him like he was the only one in the world. Nick had the biggest smile on his face. “This is when we told the squad about us, somehow they already knew about us. I guess we weren’t as secretive as we thought we were.” </p><p>This continued for an hour, Nick going through the pictures and reliving them. He came across one that they took the day Mike died. Nick made a sign, saying ‘last day at SVU!’. Mike tried to act annoyed, but he ended up bursting into laughter at the sight of Nick's face. That day will forever be etched into his memory. Everything was going so well, they planned to go out with Mike’s family after his shift ended for drinks. Instead, they ended the day in the hospital saying goodbye. Nick dropped the pictures and started to cry more, slumping his shoulders. </p><p>“You were taken too soon, Mikey. What am I supposed to do without you? You were my best friend. You understood me like no one else,” Nick used his sleeve to wipe away some of the tears, “It’s not the same without you here. I know you’re in a better place and I know I will see you again once it's my time to go, but I miss seeing your face every day. I miss waking up next to you.” Nick fell silent once again, only the sound of the wind and his crying could be heard. </p><p>“I know it's a part of life, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye.” </p><p>Nick stayed at his grave until it got dark, he didn’t want to go back home. He wanted to be close to Mike. When he managed to find the strength to go home, he changed into one of Mike’s shirts. It still smelled like him, even if it didn’t Nick bought the cologne Mike would always wear, so once his smell started to fade, he could bring it back. </p><p>“I love you, Mike. I miss you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Me? Writing something that isn't Barisi? More likely than you think!   I love Mike Dodds and Nick Amaor and I know they would have hit it off if they met. Let me know if you want more Domaro!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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